Tonight's ANT (automatic negative thought) is mastitis. An infection of the breast caused by a plugged duct. I won't go into details, but from what I've heard/read it's pretty nasty. And, of course, I've diagnosed myself with it. I am nursing so it's possible. And I did find a lump so it's possible. However, not very likely. But it's something that won't leave my mind. Everything, and I do mean everything is causing that horrible looping. What if I get mastitis? What will I do? What's my action plan? I just looked at the title of a book and it had "baby" in it, I have a baby, she nurses, what if I get mastitis?
After insisting that my husband feel for a lump several times this evening he finally said he didn't want it to be the main topic of our conversation. Then he went to sleep three minutes later. Right before he went to sleep we made our regular deal: if I looked up anything on the internet, about my worry, I couldn't talk to him about it. He said he wouldn't get up in the middle of the night to feel my breast. Huh, fancy that. A man refusing to feel a breast.
Kill those ANTs my friends, because if you don't you're going to be killing something else. Good luck!
Monday, April 23, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Trying to get new shoes
It's been a long time since I updated. So I've been busy. Due to the traumatic experience after my birth I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I am currently in therapy with a wonderful therapist. I, of course, had issues with my health prior to my birth however, the whole labor and afterwards has caused it to go into high gear. I am trying out a EMDR, this is a process to help desensitize my whole hospital experience. Hopefully it will take away the negative and replace with all positive and POOF! I'll be cured.
What I've learned about myself is that I am always expecting the worse to happen. If I get a headache it turns into "What if I have an aneurysm and die right here? Ok I am going to start counting and if I get to 200 and am not dead then I won't die at all...tonight." And then the next 2-3 hours are me just worrying about the damn headache. And the cycle begins and it loops until I fall asleep or distract myself.
I am currently at the point where I will not take any medication I didn't take prior to my episode. I am very much afraid it will stimulate my heart and I will have to be rushed to the emergency room. What I should really be afraid of is it costing so much money. Enough to be out of pocket and not yet reach my deductible. My heart is already starting to pound...I'd be really embarrassed if I had to go to the ER and tell the doctor, "I just took an off-brand prenatal vitamin. What are my chances of dying? Can you feel my pulse and see if I'm dying? Can I just stay the night here, just in case?" And I'm serious about my heart starting to pound. I'm going to stop writing this in order to save myself.
But expecting the worst doesn't mean it's going to happen. What I want to do is start expecting the best. Maybe neither will happen, but at least I'll feel better. I promised myself that if I didn't get out of control and go into a full on panic attack for 10 days I could buy myself a new pair of shoes. I have 4 days to go! Keep your fingers crossed.
What I've learned about myself is that I am always expecting the worse to happen. If I get a headache it turns into "What if I have an aneurysm and die right here? Ok I am going to start counting and if I get to 200 and am not dead then I won't die at all...tonight." And then the next 2-3 hours are me just worrying about the damn headache. And the cycle begins and it loops until I fall asleep or distract myself.
I am currently at the point where I will not take any medication I didn't take prior to my episode. I am very much afraid it will stimulate my heart and I will have to be rushed to the emergency room. What I should really be afraid of is it costing so much money. Enough to be out of pocket and not yet reach my deductible. My heart is already starting to pound...I'd be really embarrassed if I had to go to the ER and tell the doctor, "I just took an off-brand prenatal vitamin. What are my chances of dying? Can you feel my pulse and see if I'm dying? Can I just stay the night here, just in case?" And I'm serious about my heart starting to pound. I'm going to stop writing this in order to save myself.
But expecting the worst doesn't mean it's going to happen. What I want to do is start expecting the best. Maybe neither will happen, but at least I'll feel better. I promised myself that if I didn't get out of control and go into a full on panic attack for 10 days I could buy myself a new pair of shoes. I have 4 days to go! Keep your fingers crossed.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Naming of the Blog
Greetings. This is my very first, obviously, blog entry. I've been wanting to start a blog where I can voice all my obsessive compulsive hypochondria thoughts. It helps give me a voice, even if no one reads it, and whenever I am on one of my rampages and frantically searching the internet, it helps to read that there are others like me out there.
I would've started it years ago but I could never come up with a good name. Until I came across the phrase "kill the ANTs." ANTs stands for Automatic Negative Thougths. And it's these lovely thoughts that help fuel the hypochondria and all of the sicknesses, ailments, disorders, fears, etc. I've had.
My plan is to update this, provide an outlet for comments, and give suggestions on ways to help alleviate this wonderful disorder. Basically I'm just another place others can go to read and either increase/decrease the fear. It's up to you, or is it? Negative thoughts are never up to the thinker...
I would've started it years ago but I could never come up with a good name. Until I came across the phrase "kill the ANTs." ANTs stands for Automatic Negative Thougths. And it's these lovely thoughts that help fuel the hypochondria and all of the sicknesses, ailments, disorders, fears, etc. I've had.
My plan is to update this, provide an outlet for comments, and give suggestions on ways to help alleviate this wonderful disorder. Basically I'm just another place others can go to read and either increase/decrease the fear. It's up to you, or is it? Negative thoughts are never up to the thinker...
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